Tuesday, February 27, 2018

on mountains and molehills

1. If given a choice, wouldn't you prefer a mountain in your front yard to a molehill? If a mountain springs up in your front yard, then the topographical change offers a significant upgrade in ontological value. No longer are you living in a comfortable suburban cul-de-sac, you are living in on the shoulder of a mountain, or a valley, even. Adventure springs up from the mountain bursting through the soil.

3. If molehills appear, then you simply have more yard work in front of you.

4. Molehills create distressing furrows in the smooth sod of the front yard. They make the calm, placid sea of grass jagged. This is uncomfortable and irritating, if you are someone who cares about lawn care. Or just someone who would prefer your lawn to not be torn up from the inside out.

5. If the moles could just burrow down a little further, we wouldn't be in this mess at all. They would actually have safer tunnels, as they would be harder for predators to spot. As it stands, their tunnels are highly visible, any idiot worth his salt could track those blind bastards underneath their soil cover.

6. Stepping on anthills and watching the ants scatter and stepping on molehills, and feeling them cave into the soft earth under your feet awakens uncomfortable feelings of schadenfreude. It's uncomfortable to acknowledge how very much we enjoy destruction.

7. Does it hurt the grass to be upended from beneath?

8. I would prefer my molehills to be mountains, although I will refrain from making them so.

9. I remember sitting at the bay window in my childhood front living room, and watching moles burrow underneath the snow. Their trails rippled out from behind them. Nose smushed against the cold window pane, I watched the molehills popping up underneath the smooth blanket of snow, mesmerized for hours.

10. I do not like things which are neat and tidy to be torn like grass by moles.

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