Thursday, May 26, 2016

much too much

"But Louis channeled his fiery passion, not to threats and violence, but for the greater Glory of God."
--Fr. Michael E. Gaitley

Renée, can you imagine all of your energy being directed solely at one person? No one would be able to take it.

Sam and I laughed together over sweet German bread and starchy beer. Specifically, he laughed at the impassioned choler that generally spews out of me every which way: in words, in actions, in prayer, in life. There are very few people in the world who know how to tease you and at the same time make you feel more loved than any string of blandishments would. Because it is very sweet to be known. And a gentle laughing that signals deep knowledge of the other person is one of the sweetest ways indeed of being known.

Well, [Insert Friend Name] would probably be able to take it, Sam said.

As soon as he said it, I doubted his statement's truth. I'm not sure that human beings are made to receive the entire cosmos of energy that exists inside other human beings. Specifically, I wasn't sure that I could ever survive giving all my energy to just one person.

Although I have never quite landed on a spirit animal, my spirit machine is certainly a bulldozer. Like that graceless vehicle, I tend to just plow ahead determinedly, picking up whatever is in my way, carrying it along in whatever spurt of passion is currently powering my engine. I have not yet figured out how to stop that constant, driving forward motion.

But if you can't beat 'em, King Solomon once said, join 'em. Instead of attempting to halt the careening construction vehicle, I decided to simply guide her along more prudent paths.

As I picked up my Marian consecration book yet again, I am confronted with the dazzling example of bulldozer of Louis de Montfort. de Montfort was a man who knew what things were worth bulldozing for, or rather, should I say, the One Thing that is truly worth all our bulldozing efforts. His natural bulldozer personality became a force of goodness in a desert that so desperately needed the construction. deMontfort's personality was not changed, but his efforts and his energies were transformed, directed not towards selfish building projects, but construction a greater kingdom. His story is a gentle reminder to me that is not our personalities that must change, but our selves that must be transformed. We shall not cease from bulldozing, if that is in our nature. But at the end of all our bulldozing we will arrive where we started, and know that place--ourselves--for the first time.

My prayer today is that I may become a Louis de Montfort-like little engine that could: Take all my naive and indiscriminate bulldozing, Lord, and may the reckless bulldozing projects turn into something beautiful. May I bulldoze solely for the glory of God; may my bulldozing be fueled only by sustainable fossil fuel alternatives and the fire of your love; and may the destination of all my bulldozing be always You.

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