Friday, October 30, 2015

How to Survive the GRE

I am currently watching students take a standardized test, giving me flashbacks to several weeks ago when I, too, had to take a standardized test--hopefully, my last. Unless I have a midlife crisis and decide to pursue law school and/or med school.

Here are your tips for surviving the GRE with grace and panache.

No. 1 The night before your test, all the boys in your phone book will text you. Every last one of them. Yes, even the cute Jewish Kenyon graduate from the bar. Do not fall for it. Do. Not. Fall. For. It. Stick to the plan! The plan was mass, halal food, then bed. If you want to switch it up with mass, bed, and halal food in bed go for it. But do not waver. Ignore the boys. Ignore. Them.
God is testing you, that should be fairly clear. Pass the test. Go to bed.

No. 2 The internet at your testing center will not work. Do not panic. Stop it. Stop panicking. You've got your St. Joseph novena, so just stop panicking. Stop it. Remember that your friend Meredith had several crises surrounding her GRE, and you can't remember the exact reasons, but it had to do with some situation with internet being down at the testing center. Panic a little bit.

No. 3 Wear leggings. Even you, gentlemen. This will streamline the metal-detector airport-security process you have to go through. Remember how this is literally just a glorified SAT, but it matters even less. Wonder at the security-screening process.

No.4 Talk to the people around you in the testing center. They've taken away your books and journal, so that's pretty much your only option. Make up stories for the ones that you don't get to talk to. Imagine all the different reasons they could be taking the GRE: revenge upon their domineering parents; attempting to win back a lost fortune; a career-changing attempt to get into a gender studies masters program.

No. 5 After it is done, go on a long, long, long run. And an even longer walk. Go to the Park, look at waterfalls, look at the sky, smell the fall leaves, get lost in the woods. Don't think about anything but moving your body and resting your mind, and soaking in all the knowledge of the world that can't be split into quantitative and qualitative reasoning.

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