Saturday, September 27, 2014

the adventures of jogging lady

I have never lived a year better spent in love
--Mumford and Sons

The NYC Chronicles:
Last week on the NYC Chronicles: 
Episode 34: Flirtation.
I flirted with the traffic.
I flirted with the pigeons that flew by me on my run.
I flirted with disaster as I attempted to run from the 5 train to the 6 train, just as the doors were closing, and--of course-- my purse got stuck in the door.
I flirted with the waves on the ocean.
I flirted with the seagulls trying to steal our grapes.
I flirted with the crepe vendor. I got a delicious crepe and "mesmerizing" eyes, and he got $7.50. So.
I flirted with the babies on the subway car. They were more interested in flirting with one another. But I speculated on how beautiful their eyes were, wondered what babies think when they haven’t yet seen the ugly side of life, and hoped that these babies would grow up to be great humans of happinesss.
I flirted with the beautiful Indian man who was ushering in St. Patrick’s Cathedral.
I flirted with the puppies in Central Park.
I flirted with everyone at brunch with me.
I flirted with the bellini-dispensing waiter with the funny fedora.
I flirted with the man who was guarding the outlets at the coffee shop. [and procured myself an outlet. So.]
I flirted with the idea of dying my hair.
I flirted with adventure as I walked from Brooklyn all the way to the Upper East Side.
I flirted with the old men who sat on their front porches, yelling at all the young people rushing along the street to: "Slow down!"
I flirted with death as I jaywalked to get crappy Chinese food on the other side of the street.
I flirted with the most handsome Goldman Sachs financier human eyes have ever beheld.
It went well, I'd say:
 “Soooo…how do you like working at Goldman Sachs?” 
[banter. It’s all about the banter, ladies.]
 “Oh, I love it. It’s my passion!”
Awkward pause as I silently attempt to decipher what exactly his passion is: Greed? Being the 1%? Making Money? Reinforcing the class system? Stomping on the weaker man when he is down?...

 “Numbers. Numbers are my passion.”
 Camera cuts to me, who has no idea what to do with that.
Well done, Goldman Sachs financier.* You are the only man who has ever left me speechless.
 If numbers were my passion I would become a 7th grade math teacher or do research to save the environment.
 But that’s just me. So.
I flirted with heart failure as I ate an ice cream sandwich doughnut. Roger, do you copy. That is a doughnut filled with ice cream. Like an ice cream sandwich. But with a doughnut. Holey Cream! (That's the name of the store)
I flirted with the Jewish Man who walked by eating a sandwich.
I flirted with the bored babies in bassinets.
I flirted with the bartender in his empty bar.
I flirted with the idea of grad school.
I flirted with the lonely boy at Dough Loco. He didn’t judge me for buying a $3 miso maple doughnut. Decadence, thy name is maple miso doughnuts. These divine creations are the boon of my existence. The tantalizing scent of Dough Loco maple miso doughnuts floats in the cool autumn breeze every day on my run. I wonder how Dough Loco boy can look so lonely when he is surrounded by maple miso doughnuts. It adds a touch of melancholy to the store. I wonder how Dough Loco boy can look so morose, with his puppy-dog face, when he is surrounded by such delectable baked goods. It's sugar-coated sadness. But when Dough Loco boy's face smiles, it warms up the atmosphere, and everything melts, much like the maple miso glaze on those soft, warm rings of dough.
I flirted with the idea of making my entire NYC experience revolve around different doughnut shops.

Hey jogging lady, you keep working out
--words of encouragement from the hustler dealing out pirated CDs by Central Park

*disclaimer: I recognize that Goldman Sachs financiers are people, too. And I am not hating on them in any way. and I truly apologize to Goldman Sachs for taking advantage of the ridiculously unflattering stereotypes that people assign to their company to cook up some comedy. 


  1. You should totally dye your hair. Also, your ability to create a desire for miso maple doughnuts is unparalleled.