Monday, December 31, 2012

a vista full of tomorrows

Love is the only thing that can fill hearts and bring people together.

If someone had spelled out for me the adventures of 2012, I would have laughed at them.
And not with them.
At them.

~

Let me share with you my New Year's Resolution for 2012. I dubbed it affectionately Project 2012, and its super-secret subtitle was Operation Awkward Tension. I had lofty goals and high hopes for Operation Awkward Tension: by the end of 2012, I was going to eliminate all the awkward tension that existed in my relationships and friendships, awkward tension leftover from hurts, grievances, misunderstandings, etc. 
Peace on earth and goodwill between all men was what I was aiming for.

My philosophy behind all public social interactions is that they should be pleasant and painless for everyone involved. (I feel like this is a reasonable desire. But, my friends, you would be surprised how many people seem to disabide [a new word! for a new year!] by these simple guidelines for public social interactions.) 
For someone who enjoys banter and small talk, and people-watching, seeing-and-being-seen, and the lighter side of human interaction, awkwardness is horribly painful. Awkwardness is a sign of a disconnect between the exterior and interior interactions. It means that the banter is coming out of the mouth, but not from the heart. Awkward means strained laughter; it means jokes that land with a thud, and it means uncomfortable eye contact, and half-hearted smiles. 
Awkward, my friends, is one of the most universal common human denominators. 
And I was going to have no more of it. 

~

2013 is just over the horizon, and I'm still rocking the awk like a champ all day, every day.
Big surprise, right?
(The answer to that rhetorical question is "no.")

But I have felt a sea change come over me.
--Mary, On the Verge

If someone asked me if Project 2012 was a complete failure, I would pause. I would hesitate to answer yes.
Indeed, awkwardness, like snakes, peas, and rabies, is one of Those Things that will constantly plague the human experience.
But, one day, at the beginning of this last month of 2012, I found myself in the adoration chapel.
And I wrote at the top of a journal entry:
Project 2012.
And, with only a month left of 2012, I began my project.
I realized that to heal old hurts, and to mend old tears, I would have to look inside myself.
That truly, the tension I was felt was self-inflicted.
That the mountain I was trying to raze couldn't be brought down by my will-power, negotiated with by my diplomatic skills, or glazed over with my social graces.
That perhaps what it needed was a little bit more.
My small heart grew three sizes that day.
So yes. In the end, I'd say Project 2012 was a success.

Because just like a butterfly popping out from a chrysalis, I emerged from that chapel a woman made new.

New woman.
New heart.
New year.

Here's to a year that's more full with more adventures; surprising with more joy; and bursting with more love than the last.


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