Tuesday, September 11, 2012

dive into the grey

 "Never be afraid of giving. There is deep joy in giving, since what we receive is much more than what we give."--Mother Teresa

Long ago, a wise priest once told me that we cannot think of our lives as a movie, starring ourselves.
 Rather, we are all in the same story: a grand large epic, starring no one. A tale in which all our stories bear equal weight, and are bound up in each other in mysterious ways.

 Recently, another wise priest reiterated to me that we are all subjects. None of us is an object or a tool in another's transformation or growth.
This is a challenge. It's hard not to view one's life through the lens of me, myself, and I. It takes much more effort to step back and read the tale are being written with our lives. Mother Teresa describes herself as a pen. God's hand guides the pen, and writes her life. She is nothing more than a channel for that story to be told.

Mama T would add that: "We must become holy not because we want to feel holy, but because Christ must be able to live his live fully in us." In the end, it's not about us. We do not become holy for holiness' sake. Or for our sake. But for the sake of others, for the sake of the world.

It's so easy to get that backwards. We begin to think of how our lives can transform the world around us once we're actually someone--once we're someone holy. We like people, we find them attractive, so then we can begin to love them. We understand a concept--the Pythagorean theorem, Newton's laws, the Eucharist--and then we believe it.
That's the worldly order of things. But that's not the natural order. The natural order is the supernatural order:
We serve; we find ourselves on the path to holiness.
We love all; we find ourselves maybe beginning to like some.
We believe; we slowly approach the threshold of understanding.

As Dr. O'Malley told the highschoolers at the end of each week of Vision, as he told us at the end of the summer: This wasn't about you. It never was about you and it never will be about you. It's about how God will transform the world through you. We are called to something so much larger, so we must make of ourselves something so much smaller. We are called to a story greater than any we could conceive of; we must not grasp for ourselves the equality of authorship, but rather humbly take on the role of pens.

I do not yet understand. But I believe.
I do not often like. But I love.
I am not yet holy. But I will serve.

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