Thursday, January 5, 2012

Dealbreakers

Today I realized several things.

Each day is made up of a series of successive moments, and if a lot of those little moments go well, then usually we're having a pretty good day. But if those little things go wrong, it can seriously harsh our mellows.

Foremost example: dental hygienists. Oh there is nothing more wonderfully awkward than the perfunctory small talk that dental hygienists attempt. Reality check: it is the most difficult to make small talk when there are small probes and mirrors and teeth-polishing mechanisms invading your mouth. Small talk--unless taking place between two connoisseurs of chit-chat--is, in general, a massive chore. But in this particular situation there is unique strain of awkward tension. What else can the poor hygienist do in this situation but make small talk; but seriously, there's really no way you can possibly make small talk with various dental instruments occupying your mouth.

However, my hygienist today and I had a marvelous conversation about dental veneers, and the usefulness of a European Studies minor. The small talk made the dreadful news about the cavities a little easier to take.

If you can't stand the way someone eats, it's a dealbreaker. Seriously. If they smack, eat with their mouth open, or just do that Thing with their food that you just can't stand, then it's a dealbreaker. A significant portion of meaningful human interactions take place at the family dinner table, while breaking bread together. If you don't like looking at someone while they're eating, then--well, I'm sorry, it's not you, it's me. (Or just hang out with them at non-meal times.)

Status-Ruiners. We all know who they are. They are that friend on Facebook that can't help and write some well-intentioned comment on a status that tries valiantly to be clever, but solely serves to ruin the mood of your status. If you post some weepy song lyrics from your favorite Disney ballad, the response you actively do not want is a comment-rant about the pernicious and persistent sexism in Disney Princess movies. If you post a clever status, filled with delicate tones and subtle insinuations, the Status-Ruiner will, without fail, obliviously respond with a comment that completely misinterprets all your innuendos. If you post an inside joke status, then you are exposing yourself to the workings of a status-ruiner. Heck, you're inviting them to set up camp and post their mood-ruining comment. Inside joke stati are a tricky sitch. Don't want to mess with those.

Hip waiters. Waiters who are too cool for school and ridiculously quirkster are the most fun. in any dining situations. Waiters are delightful people, whose jobs force them to pop up at your table and interrupt your conversation throughout the evening. When you have a cool waiter, you can actually look forward to the interruptions. Those are the best. Hip waiters make me happy.

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